What is LOVE?

Love? What its actually meant? Once upon a time I was falling in love, but now…Im just falling apart…. I sacrifices for his happiness as I know I can’t barely make him smile… I sacrifices… yes I did.. he never realize that. i always said to myself, why he never want to seek for the truth and just left me hanging there? But you know what, angah was rite… if he does want to know the truth, he will come to see my sis.. my sis was there with me… going through the thick and thin… and my sis once told me, if he is a responsible guy, he seek for the truth…. But he never did that…..
But I said to myself, let me be the bad ones… after all this while, people always view him as bastard, and he can’t smile because of that… I make his life worse… he doesn’t love me… he loves me because of regretting what he has done with my classmate about 3 years ago.. before the last paper of my SPM 2007… he felt regret.. I knew it… then I said to myself, I don’t deserve to punish this guy… let just accept and redha… I walk away… although at that moment I stil loves him..
Now, he is happy with his changes… he smile with his girl… me??? I become the old him… im such a bad girl after the broken hearted… when I was in aussie… I become worse… drug, cigarette, club,…. What else? I did all of this… just to forget HIM… just to wanted him smile… I want to meet him so damn badly at that moment. But when I see he is smiling, I am so damn happy to be able to see the smile on his face…. Because he once has made me full of loves, cares and attention… he used to be there when I cried… he used to be someone special in my heart.. but im not being able to do the same thing… I want his parents to be proud of him… but I never being able to achieve that… I love his family… and when I knew that his family love his girl too… I am so relief of that… as now I know… he is happy.. and im glad.
When I was in shah alam… I become worse… ask my friends, they knew im changing… suddenly the happy go lucky afaf disappeared… here come the serious, silent afaf….when did I start smoking? Its like a habit now….damn…. I screw everything up…. I believe in Allah.. but I am too far from HIM….that moment was the DARK AGES of mine… im LOST in the dark….
But zafran came…. I called him a few week after I was back from aussie…. He is the one who drag me out from the dark… and I was thinking… is this what god has fated to me…. Am I going to smile again???? Yes.. im smiling… he is there… he make me smile… he was there and I felt the love is in the air back… he gave me his attention… and I love it.. but im not sure with this feeling… I don’t want the same thing ever happened again….This guy has brought me happiness…but im not sure if he felt the same way like I did… I think im in love with this guy… but this is too fast… too fast to be fallin in love again.. now im such a paranoid towards loves… I don’t know why I become such this person… I have doubt in him… I don’t want to feel like this…
I know he loves me… I know… he always take a good care of me.. when I cry… he always pat my head and said afaf jgn la nangis, afaf dah besaq dah…. Afaf jangan la merajuk, afaf kan dah besaq… seriously dia memang tak pandai pujuk… but at least he makes me calm after that… he pissed of when he know that if im stress out, im smoking… dia marah sangat2.. and he made me promised him jangan isap rokok lagi… yes.. I promised him that… and now… dah x amik dah pun…
I don’t know if he loves me or not… but I love the way he is…. Hehe… such like a pak cik… . suka sangat merepek… but he cares about me a lot… I know that. he once said, kami sayang afaf…bagi kami ruang sama.. jangan pikiaq bukan2… dia sangat susah nak cakap I love u… hehe.. tapi he is so sweet…..cume dia yg xperasaan… he kiss me thru the phone….  hehe.. zafran.. thank u. for this smile. Alhamdulillah. This happiness belong to the Creator of this universe.
Oh, Ya ALLAH, please keep this guy with me thru bad and good times of mine… please… made him the ones for me… please… I don’t want to be hurt ever again.. if he is the one Oh ALLAH, make him close to me… never create doubt in my heart… put the love inside my heart for him… if he is the one YA RAHMAN, then make this two heart become one…. And if he is not, ketahuilah bahawa cinta ku PADAMU YA ALLAH melebihi segala-galanya dan aku redha….