Hey, forgive me…. For being a bad girl friend ever…

I have this friend who always there beside me… and she deserve to be called as TRUE friend… lately and currently she mad at me… for being such a whore when dealing with my problem or when dealing with life’s crisis. When I mentioned whore I don’t meant that I slept with guys… how gross…don’t misinterpret it ok. It just, I tend to be a bad girl… like dark’s afaf will conquer the good’s afaf.
I knew that I hurt her feeling, so I came to apologizes… I thought she wouldn’t understand me… but I know that she was once in my shoes too… so I am here to apologizes to her.. I hope she read this…. And if she forgives me please text me….
What I want to say here is, I’m sorry…. I’ve done stupid things in life to get rid of the sadness.. I never meant to be the bad… I never meant to ruin myself for guys…. It just sometimes I can’t think straightly… that is why I need you friend, as a friend of mine, to guide me to the right path… so that I will never astray.
I knew you made at me… you said “true friend never leave their friend behind”. I’m sorry for putting you behind… I never meant to do that… I love this girl like she is my BESTIE forever… and I hope she will still give me the chance to be her bestie…. Imysm.
I’m sorry………. Please forgive this fool’s afaf and this stupid’s afaf……

Dunia GELAP aku

Semua orang ada bangkit jatuh dia…. Aku?? Aku sekarang dah jatuh lebih jauh…..tapi pada mulanya, aku xmahu bangun semula…. Aku buntu dgn diri sendiri…. Aku Tanya diri aku….kenapa aku lupa Allah? Kenapa bila aku jatuh aku sedih……aku salahkan diri aku sampai sggup jadi teruk?
This is not me… this is completely not me…. Penangan putus cinta dgn dia sgt kuat… samapi I cant resist the darkness inside myself…. Tapi aku tahu…in the end, I have to make a choice…. I have to decide… I have to change…..
Seminggu yang lepas…. Aku rasa ‘all guys sucks’, tp it just partially true… xsemua lelaki macam tu…. If they sucks, they must have their own story… so, I try to understand the situation. I knew….and I understand.
Previously in my relationship, I REFUSED to listen. I REFUSED to explanation… if you are WRONG, I still and will view you as GUILTY… but now….now is different…..i let the other party to talk….. I let him talk… because this guy deserve to be listen….
I adore the spirit of honesty… for me nowadays sincerity is IMPORTANT… and I cant never lie… heart never lie….i don’t hell know how to resist…. But god is there…. with me always…. I just want the best decision in my life. But yet I still don’t know what decision shud ive made….
This is somehow bothering me complety…. I have THOUSAND and triple the thousand assignments…. Currently busy with my web development… cant wait to see it launch… I have a web page after this… it is something new…. Hehe….
I want a new life… I make one for me… it is not about my ex anymore…. Its all about me and my education… cause I swear I will be the next successful person in MALAYSIA and I will let them see that… cause I always say this to motivate myself “ they are all losers” and “I might be broken but I am not DEFEATED”
Gonna make my life as awesome as I can…. And I want things in my life be LEGENDARY… I was motivated by the characteristics of ‘Barney’ in the sitcom ‘how I met your mother?’… I guess from now on… when I met different guys in my life, I gonna write a wonderful hilarious story…up and down…. As the ‘ how I met your father?’…
I am awesome……and yet in 10 years time I will be much more AWESOME. Tremendously life is ahead me… I just need to create a new happy life…and leave all the sadness and pain… in order to do that….be as positive as I can…..because I am awesomely awesome….

What the HELL….everything screw up!

What I’m afraid before this becomes a reality…. Yeah such a pathetic life I have… my doubt was right… but I adore his honesty… at least he being honest towards me… at least he spoke out the truth… but im hurting so bad…. I should take this professionally…. But I’m not… instead, I cry, cursing all day long…cry again n again…. Cursing him over and over….. Why all of this got to happened to me?… this is pathetic… I really meant it… what the fuck….see? I’m cursing again.
I call out my ex seeking for advice… I guess he just don’t hell care about me anymore… but I don’t know what decision to be made… I’m insanely in love… and he was there…. but this morning, he spilled out the truth… the secrete he’s being holding… I’m freaking shock… but you know what, deep down inside me, I knew the secrete… I just want him to said it to me… and he did…
He knew its gonna break my heart… it turns that this relationship cannot be stop… I know it is wrong.. but I love this guy…but it is wrong… I never am being in this kind of relationship before… I don’t want to… damn it…. Now I totally found guys as sucker…damn ass… babi…
What the hell. But he said he loves me? Liar… is he a liar? No, I know he is not… I know he loves me… I know.. it is deep down in my heart. And I love him too.. this is wrong. It should be stop here and now.but y…. but y he said that he is sincerely in love with me? Why?
Why afaf why?i don’t know… I am all messed up….seriously… I cant do this anymore… final exam is just around the corner… assignment, the stupid MIP and web page design… OMG… I hope this is not crossing my limit… I don’t want to be a bad girl anymore… if u ask me if I love this guy or not, yes, I love him… if u ask me if I want to be with him again or leave him, I cant answer that… I am so damnly uncertain…
I mean, I am totally different with him….what the hell…why is this stuff happen to me such at this moment? Last semester, it is about me and my ex fighting and ended up our 3 years relationship, and now…. And now by the end of this semester, again im in a conflict of a relationship…
What am I thinking about… seriously.. why am I smoking nowadays… why…..now I felt so lonely… it such an empty slot in my heart… what I felt right now??? I don’t know… I felt empty!EMPTY.. I hate empty… empty meant loneliness… empty mean sadness, empty meant confusion…empty suck men….
What should I do? I don’t know… Ya ALLAH…. Show me the way.. please….show me the way… I love this guy and he loves me… but he is……………………………………………………………………. So guide me… I don’t want to ruined his life… and I don’t want to get off track….

DOUBT

Doubt. Again.. it is crawling inside me… I have doubt… doubt towards him… and currently, this DOUBT is growing bigger and BIGGER… I am uncertain about what I felt…. I hate DOUBT….why he is too secretive… is he is not serious towards me or what??? What is this feeling that suddenly exist in my heart.. and why am I crying rite now? Why I feel so bad? Why…. I just want to smile… take away this tears… fucking hell.. im crying….. BUT WHY??? WHY?
Is this somehow, by any chance is the sign for me???i must gone too far….. I hate DOUBT…I hate this…. I want to be happy… I want to smile… go away DOUBT… go away……. Please prove it to me that this DOUBT is not real. Please prove it to me that this DOUBT is just the misunderstanding..please prove it to me that this DOUBT is wrongly insane…. Please prove it to me……prove it to me no matter what… please dear… I hate to cry… I hate tears… I hate HURT…ive hurt enough…
ENOUGH!!!!!STOP THIS FUCKING DOUBT!!!! I can’t handle it anymore…. Go AWAY DOUBT! Let me have some faith in this guy…. But he has pulled the faith away….im in DOUBT again.

What is LOVE?

Love? What its actually meant? Once upon a time I was falling in love, but now…Im just falling apart…. I sacrifices for his happiness as I know I can’t barely make him smile… I sacrifices… yes I did.. he never realize that. i always said to myself, why he never want to seek for the truth and just left me hanging there? But you know what, angah was rite… if he does want to know the truth, he will come to see my sis.. my sis was there with me… going through the thick and thin… and my sis once told me, if he is a responsible guy, he seek for the truth…. But he never did that…..
But I said to myself, let me be the bad ones… after all this while, people always view him as bastard, and he can’t smile because of that… I make his life worse… he doesn’t love me… he loves me because of regretting what he has done with my classmate about 3 years ago.. before the last paper of my SPM 2007… he felt regret.. I knew it… then I said to myself, I don’t deserve to punish this guy… let just accept and redha… I walk away… although at that moment I stil loves him..
Now, he is happy with his changes… he smile with his girl… me??? I become the old him… im such a bad girl after the broken hearted… when I was in aussie… I become worse… drug, cigarette, club,…. What else? I did all of this… just to forget HIM… just to wanted him smile… I want to meet him so damn badly at that moment. But when I see he is smiling, I am so damn happy to be able to see the smile on his face…. Because he once has made me full of loves, cares and attention… he used to be there when I cried… he used to be someone special in my heart.. but im not being able to do the same thing… I want his parents to be proud of him… but I never being able to achieve that… I love his family… and when I knew that his family love his girl too… I am so relief of that… as now I know… he is happy.. and im glad.
When I was in shah alam… I become worse… ask my friends, they knew im changing… suddenly the happy go lucky afaf disappeared… here come the serious, silent afaf….when did I start smoking? Its like a habit now….damn…. I screw everything up…. I believe in Allah.. but I am too far from HIM….that moment was the DARK AGES of mine… im LOST in the dark….
But zafran came…. I called him a few week after I was back from aussie…. He is the one who drag me out from the dark… and I was thinking… is this what god has fated to me…. Am I going to smile again???? Yes.. im smiling… he is there… he make me smile… he was there and I felt the love is in the air back… he gave me his attention… and I love it.. but im not sure with this feeling… I don’t want the same thing ever happened again….This guy has brought me happiness…but im not sure if he felt the same way like I did… I think im in love with this guy… but this is too fast… too fast to be fallin in love again.. now im such a paranoid towards loves… I don’t know why I become such this person… I have doubt in him… I don’t want to feel like this…
I know he loves me… I know… he always take a good care of me.. when I cry… he always pat my head and said afaf jgn la nangis, afaf dah besaq dah…. Afaf jangan la merajuk, afaf kan dah besaq… seriously dia memang tak pandai pujuk… but at least he makes me calm after that… he pissed of when he know that if im stress out, im smoking… dia marah sangat2.. and he made me promised him jangan isap rokok lagi… yes.. I promised him that… and now… dah x amik dah pun…
I don’t know if he loves me or not… but I love the way he is…. Hehe… such like a pak cik… . suka sangat merepek… but he cares about me a lot… I know that. he once said, kami sayang afaf…bagi kami ruang sama.. jangan pikiaq bukan2… dia sangat susah nak cakap I love u… hehe.. tapi he is so sweet…..cume dia yg xperasaan… he kiss me thru the phone….  hehe.. zafran.. thank u. for this smile. Alhamdulillah. This happiness belong to the Creator of this universe.
Oh, Ya ALLAH, please keep this guy with me thru bad and good times of mine… please… made him the ones for me… please… I don’t want to be hurt ever again.. if he is the one Oh ALLAH, make him close to me… never create doubt in my heart… put the love inside my heart for him… if he is the one YA RAHMAN, then make this two heart become one…. And if he is not, ketahuilah bahawa cinta ku PADAMU YA ALLAH melebihi segala-galanya dan aku redha….