Saturday, October 9, 2010

Hey, forgive me…. For being a bad girl friend ever…

I have this friend who always there beside me… and she deserve to be called as TRUE friend… lately and currently she mad at me… for being such a whore when dealing with my problem or when dealing with life’s crisis. When I mentioned whore I don’t meant that I slept with guys… how gross…don’t misinterpret it ok. It just, I tend to be a bad girl… like dark’s afaf will conquer the good’s afaf.
I knew that I hurt her feeling, so I came to apologizes… I thought she wouldn’t understand me… but I know that she was once in my shoes too… so I am here to apologizes to her.. I hope she read this…. And if she forgives me please text me….
What I want to say here is, I’m sorry…. I’ve done stupid things in life to get rid of the sadness.. I never meant to be the bad… I never meant to ruin myself for guys…. It just sometimes I can’t think straightly… that is why I need you friend, as a friend of mine, to guide me to the right path… so that I will never astray.
I knew you made at me… you said “true friend never leave their friend behind”. I’m sorry for putting you behind… I never meant to do that… I love this girl like she is my BESTIE forever… and I hope she will still give me the chance to be her bestie…. Imysm.
I’m sorry………. Please forgive this fool’s afaf and this stupid’s afaf……

Dunia GELAP aku

Semua orang ada bangkit jatuh dia…. Aku?? Aku sekarang dah jatuh lebih jauh…..tapi pada mulanya, aku xmahu bangun semula…. Aku buntu dgn diri sendiri…. Aku Tanya diri aku….kenapa aku lupa Allah? Kenapa bila aku jatuh aku sedih……aku salahkan diri aku sampai sggup jadi teruk?
This is not me… this is completely not me…. Penangan putus cinta dgn dia sgt kuat… samapi I cant resist the darkness inside myself…. Tapi aku tahu…in the end, I have to make a choice…. I have to decide… I have to change…..
Seminggu yang lepas…. Aku rasa ‘all guys sucks’, tp it just partially true… xsemua lelaki macam tu…. If they sucks, they must have their own story… so, I try to understand the situation. I knew….and I understand.
Previously in my relationship, I REFUSED to listen. I REFUSED to explanation… if you are WRONG, I still and will view you as GUILTY… but now….now is different…..i let the other party to talk….. I let him talk… because this guy deserve to be listen….
I adore the spirit of honesty… for me nowadays sincerity is IMPORTANT… and I cant never lie… heart never lie….i don’t hell know how to resist…. But god is there…. with me always…. I just want the best decision in my life. But yet I still don’t know what decision shud ive made….
This is somehow bothering me complety…. I have THOUSAND and triple the thousand assignments…. Currently busy with my web development… cant wait to see it launch… I have a web page after this… it is something new…. Hehe….
I want a new life… I make one for me… it is not about my ex anymore…. Its all about me and my education… cause I swear I will be the next successful person in MALAYSIA and I will let them see that… cause I always say this to motivate myself “ they are all losers” and “I might be broken but I am not DEFEATED”
Gonna make my life as awesome as I can…. And I want things in my life be LEGENDARY… I was motivated by the characteristics of ‘Barney’ in the sitcom ‘how I met your mother?’… I guess from now on… when I met different guys in my life, I gonna write a wonderful hilarious story…up and down…. As the ‘ how I met your father?’…
I am awesome……and yet in 10 years time I will be much more AWESOME. Tremendously life is ahead me… I just need to create a new happy life…and leave all the sadness and pain… in order to do that….be as positive as I can…..because I am awesomely awesome….

What the HELL….everything screw up!

What I’m afraid before this becomes a reality…. Yeah such a pathetic life I have… my doubt was right… but I adore his honesty… at least he being honest towards me… at least he spoke out the truth… but im hurting so bad…. I should take this professionally…. But I’m not… instead, I cry, cursing all day long…cry again n again…. Cursing him over and over….. Why all of this got to happened to me?… this is pathetic… I really meant it… what the fuck….see? I’m cursing again.
I call out my ex seeking for advice… I guess he just don’t hell care about me anymore… but I don’t know what decision to be made… I’m insanely in love… and he was there…. but this morning, he spilled out the truth… the secrete he’s being holding… I’m freaking shock… but you know what, deep down inside me, I knew the secrete… I just want him to said it to me… and he did…
He knew its gonna break my heart… it turns that this relationship cannot be stop… I know it is wrong.. but I love this guy…but it is wrong… I never am being in this kind of relationship before… I don’t want to… damn it…. Now I totally found guys as sucker…damn ass… babi…
What the hell. But he said he loves me? Liar… is he a liar? No, I know he is not… I know he loves me… I know.. it is deep down in my heart. And I love him too.. this is wrong. It should be stop here and now.but y…. but y he said that he is sincerely in love with me? Why?
Why afaf why?i don’t know… I am all messed up….seriously… I cant do this anymore… final exam is just around the corner… assignment, the stupid MIP and web page design… OMG… I hope this is not crossing my limit… I don’t want to be a bad girl anymore… if u ask me if I love this guy or not, yes, I love him… if u ask me if I want to be with him again or leave him, I cant answer that… I am so damnly uncertain…
I mean, I am totally different with him….what the hell…why is this stuff happen to me such at this moment? Last semester, it is about me and my ex fighting and ended up our 3 years relationship, and now…. And now by the end of this semester, again im in a conflict of a relationship…
What am I thinking about… seriously.. why am I smoking nowadays… why…..now I felt so lonely… it such an empty slot in my heart… what I felt right now??? I don’t know… I felt empty!EMPTY.. I hate empty… empty meant loneliness… empty mean sadness, empty meant confusion…empty suck men….
What should I do? I don’t know… Ya ALLAH…. Show me the way.. please….show me the way… I love this guy and he loves me… but he is……………………………………………………………………. So guide me… I don’t want to ruined his life… and I don’t want to get off track….

Sunday, October 3, 2010

DOUBT




Doubt. Again.. it is crawling inside me… I have doubt… doubt towards him… and currently, this DOUBT is growing bigger and BIGGER… I am uncertain about what I felt…. I hate DOUBT….why he is too secretive… is he is not serious towards me or what??? What is this feeling that suddenly exist in my heart.. and why am I crying rite now? Why I feel so bad? Why…. I just want to smile… take away this tears… fucking hell.. im crying….. BUT WHY??? WHY?
Is this somehow, by any chance is the sign for me???i must gone too far….. I hate DOUBT…I hate this…. I want to be happy… I want to smile… go away DOUBT… go away……. Please prove it to me that this DOUBT is not real. Please prove it to me that this DOUBT is just the misunderstanding..please prove it to me that this DOUBT is wrongly insane…. Please prove it to me……prove it to me no matter what… please dear… I hate to cry… I hate tears… I hate HURT…ive hurt enough…
ENOUGH!!!!!STOP THIS FUCKING DOUBT!!!! I can’t handle it anymore…. Go AWAY DOUBT! Let me have some faith in this guy…. But he has pulled the faith away….im in DOUBT again.

What is LOVE?


Love? What its actually meant? Once upon a time I was falling in love, but now…Im just falling apart…. I sacrifices for his happiness as I know I can’t barely make him smile… I sacrifices… yes I did.. he never realize that. i always said to myself, why he never want to seek for the truth and just left me hanging there? But you know what, angah was rite… if he does want to know the truth, he will come to see my sis.. my sis was there with me… going through the thick and thin… and my sis once told me, if he is a responsible guy, he seek for the truth…. But he never did that…..
But I said to myself, let me be the bad ones… after all this while, people always view him as bastard, and he can’t smile because of that… I make his life worse… he doesn’t love me… he loves me because of regretting what he has done with my classmate about 3 years ago.. before the last paper of my SPM 2007… he felt regret.. I knew it… then I said to myself, I don’t deserve to punish this guy… let just accept and redha… I walk away… although at that moment I stil loves him..
Now, he is happy with his changes… he smile with his girl… me??? I become the old him… im such a bad girl after the broken hearted… when I was in aussie… I become worse… drug, cigarette, club,…. What else? I did all of this… just to forget HIM… just to wanted him smile… I want to meet him so damn badly at that moment. But when I see he is smiling, I am so damn happy to be able to see the smile on his face…. Because he once has made me full of loves, cares and attention… he used to be there when I cried… he used to be someone special in my heart.. but im not being able to do the same thing… I want his parents to be proud of him… but I never being able to achieve that… I love his family… and when I knew that his family love his girl too… I am so relief of that… as now I know… he is happy.. and im glad.
When I was in shah alam… I become worse… ask my friends, they knew im changing… suddenly the happy go lucky afaf disappeared… here come the serious, silent afaf….when did I start smoking? Its like a habit now….damn…. I screw everything up…. I believe in Allah.. but I am too far from HIM….that moment was the DARK AGES of mine… im LOST in the dark….
But zafran came…. I called him a few week after I was back from aussie…. He is the one who drag me out from the dark… and I was thinking… is this what god has fated to me…. Am I going to smile again???? Yes.. im smiling… he is there… he make me smile… he was there and I felt the love is in the air back… he gave me his attention… and I love it.. but im not sure with this feeling… I don’t want the same thing ever happened again….This guy has brought me happiness…but im not sure if he felt the same way like I did… I think im in love with this guy… but this is too fast… too fast to be fallin in love again.. now im such a paranoid towards loves… I don’t know why I become such this person… I have doubt in him… I don’t want to feel like this…
I know he loves me… I know… he always take a good care of me.. when I cry… he always pat my head and said afaf jgn la nangis, afaf dah besaq dah…. Afaf jangan la merajuk, afaf kan dah besaq… seriously dia memang tak pandai pujuk… but at least he makes me calm after that… he pissed of when he know that if im stress out, im smoking… dia marah sangat2.. and he made me promised him jangan isap rokok lagi… yes.. I promised him that… and now… dah x amik dah pun…
I don’t know if he loves me or not… but I love the way he is…. Hehe… such like a pak cik… . suka sangat merepek… but he cares about me a lot… I know that. he once said, kami sayang afaf…bagi kami ruang sama.. jangan pikiaq bukan2… dia sangat susah nak cakap I love u… hehe.. tapi he is so sweet…..cume dia yg xperasaan… he kiss me thru the phone….  hehe.. zafran.. thank u. for this smile. Alhamdulillah. This happiness belong to the Creator of this universe.
Oh, Ya ALLAH, please keep this guy with me thru bad and good times of mine… please… made him the ones for me… please… I don’t want to be hurt ever again.. if he is the one Oh ALLAH, make him close to me… never create doubt in my heart… put the love inside my heart for him… if he is the one YA RAHMAN, then make this two heart become one…. And if he is not, ketahuilah bahawa cinta ku PADAMU YA ALLAH melebihi segala-galanya dan aku redha….

Thursday, September 9, 2010

iNdaHnya AiDiLfItRi

alhamdulillah... cukup sebulan kita puasa...im so happy celebrating this aidilfitri together with my lovely parents and siblings...they cheerished me a lot... i praise Allah S.W.T for this happiness in this moment, as i might not being able to celebrate this eid again with my family next year, who knows right?...

im so happy and glad as well, as this hari raya has brought me the sincerity of apologizing other that come from the bottom of ur heart..alhamdulillah...

nak share cerita tentang raya tahun nie.. tahun ni, afaf bangun awal :) haha..i used to be the last person, tp ntah la..tahun ni kan nak buat perubahan...then dah mandi and solat...pakai baju baru...baju yang pegi beli ngan gemuk kat jalan TAR...hehe..so adorable :) warna turqoise... then dah siap, its time to eat all the traditional raya dishes... tapi i came to realize that tahun ni, xbanyak org jamu kuah tart nenas....akhirnya..kuih yg aku idam2 selama sebulan...dekat sebalang aku habiskan.. :P
sumpah sedap..

kitorang adik beradoik mintak maaf dgn ibu n baba sebelum pegi solat raya which aku xpegi pun..tapi tahun ni, aku rasa lain....sbb, aku dah xsambut dgn DIA...which kind of menyentuh hati jugak...

but luckily...there is always GEMUK there to cheer up my day..hehe..i miss him so much...2 weeks i havent seen him.. :( nanti, blik kedah, gemuk bawak mak dtg melaka...lawat kakak dia..pastu gemuk dah balik kedah, aku pulak balik KL...sumpah rinduuuuuuuu dia....

hehe..hari ni hari raya yg pertama bagi aku dgn gemuk..dan ak harap dan berdoa agar for the rest of my life, i will be celebrating this eid with gemuk...wish him to be here always....

gemuk raya sakan...tadi baru he pick up my phone kol...gemuk being celebrating raya dkt pendang and perlis today...raya sakan la pak cik tue....hehe.miss him..he refused to give me duit raya.jahat.but i know that he miss his mum so much..guys, they dont show, dont they?

hurm...i hope to write more bout my day today...nantilah...nak pegi makan lemang jap...lapar....ibu pun dah bising suro solat... :)
may b tonite im going to update my blog AGAIN....

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Alhamdulillah


I praise Allah S.W.T, for grant my pray...he forgive me... Alhamdulillah.. what is more i could ask? to hear the word i forgive u...im glad. and i praise Allah for this holy month.. i learn a lot from my mistakes..i hope he will never hold any more grudge.. if i could tell this, i want him to know that, i always pray for happiness.. and i always hope that he will forgive me sincerely.

OH Allah, thanks for letting me know this person are happy, thanks for letting me know he is alright, thanks for letting me know he forgive me.. OH Allah, Ya Rahman, Ya Rahim... i seek for your forgiveness... Accept my taubat, and always show me the right path, the path that will be bless by YOU...and never turn me into a darkness again.. i commit a lot of sins, that i am now seeking for YOU, Ya Rahman, Ya Rahim, Ya Latif...

i guess this is fadhilat ramadhan that ive found... Alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah...alhamdulillah.. what more can i ask for HIM.. The Creator of this Alam... Alhamdulillah...

Monday, September 6, 2010

Kau Yang Bernama Seri


korang pernah dengar tak lagu ni???haha...sumpah sweet..remember the moment gemuk sing this song..there is a message in this song actually.... OMG..gemuk has been so sweet without he realizing it...dia x romantic langsung..seriously..tp dia xpernah sedar yang dia sweet...haha..

gemuk gemuk..cubelah if bucuk ni merajuk gemuk pujuk... ni tak.. "ala nanti lama-lama dia ok la tu".. tapi betul la...merajuk la mcm mana pun...bila dah rindu, msg gemuk balik... gemuk, dont u realize that u made me so in love again? jahat la.. thanks for the song... " hanya kau kekasihku yang bernama afaf"..haha..sengal... jom dengar lagu ni jap

Relakan cintamu Seri
Leburkanlah rinduku ini
Agar bisa ku menikmati
Belaian kasih yang sejati

Biarpun hanya seketika
Biarpun bukan selama-lama
Sekali sudi kau menerima
Sejuta kali ku 'kan setia

Sekali bumi beredar
Mentari terbit di ufuk dunia
Bintang di angkasa
Masih bernafas di dada
Selagi itu kau kucinta

Inilah janjiku
Insan yang mengenal erti
Sepi yang tiada sepi, sepi lagi
Tinggal kau harapan
Satu-satunya sandaran
Jalan ku pulang ke jalan yang terang
Seri, aku merayu
Pada kau yang bernama Seri

Relakan cintamu Seri
Leburkanlah rinduku ini
Agar bisa ku menikmati
Belaian kasih yang sejati
Darimu Seri

Hanya kau kekasihku
Yang bernama... Seri...
Seri...

hehe....ive been to karaoke a lot lately...singing macam ape je.. i guess yeah this is what i shall call as happiness..im glad that i have overcome my sadness n juz go on with my life...n i know somehow that i have to praise Allah as this happiness would not come without HIS bless..

past is just a chapter of my life.. i cant wait to turn 20 years old..coz im a young adult by then... that is why i think im eleminating my bad behavior like merajuk pasal benda kecik je.. i have to say this that my ex, is very patient about me..haha...it turn out im the not so good in jaga hati org, had cause a break up..

but i learn from my mistakes... i dont know why, i kinda dengaq cakap gemuk..may be he is older make me respect him more..before this, i always want to win, and people must listen to me.. but now...not anymore.. im changing from being a spoilt childish to a grown up beautiful women..haha..perasan..

but i see changes in me...closer to god, eventho im no so pious lah..i still not wearing scarf sometimes..but, whenever i feel happiness inside me, i thank Allah for it..which i rarely did previously....

gemuk have been so strict..like whenever i didnt wear tudung when im going out with my friends, he will be piss off..then i dont know why...im obeying je whatever that is good for me..like i rarely going out late at night dah..and owez hang out ngan gurlz je skrg..coz ms kt melbourne dulu mungkin lain lah...whenever im disobeyed him then he would said "dengaq ckp kami sama, jgn ketegaq sgt"..haha...juz like my dad..that is y i never questioned back after that.. the most thinng i like when he start his ceramah or nasihat when aku x dengar kata is, he will call me "Afaf Abu Bakar, dengaq cakap saya sama".. love it to make him piss off..he so cute bile marah.. :)

gemuk is my report card..nak keluar if ada lelaki kena cakap..sensitive sikit dia ni.. he always said "jgn belajaq muhung.." means dont tell lies..if im up to something be honest.. as well as him..HONESTY important in any relationship, isnt it?i know he being jelous eventho he didnt show it..i know...

altho we r not in a relationship..i know this relationship with gemuk is special..and i pray for Allah to bring happinehiss in this relationship..... AMIIN..

gemuk..he brings shine to my life

"Assalamualaikum, boleh saya dok kat sini?" first time, he approaches me...i was shocked and say, what the hell, tempat lain banyak lagi..but i never questioned...after a while, he ask my phone number. again...what is wrong with this guy..but i dont know why, i gave it to him...silly i guess.but i was damn bored atas bas mase tu..at first, langsung aku x lyn dia..konon still sayang kan budak tue...i gave him excuses, aku bz.. preparing nak pergi melbourne masa tu.. tapi mg bz pun.tapi entah, satu hari, bila budak tu marah and in his heart only hates me, im losing hope of praying that his heart will open back, then i prayning to Allah, if he is not the one, then show me the one for me, so that i would never be sad... Allah grant my wish. out of sudden, i text gemuk..and he asking me out...then..here our story go..

before this i rarely being thankful for the love of my loved ones when Allah give them for me..i wrote this to tell gemuk, how much..deep down in my heart ive been so thankful that Allah have send him to me. i praise Allah..and im so glad, because ive been hold to the Quranic verse from Al -Insyirah, that " no happiness will stay, and no pain will last". i believe in it..

Zafran... he is older than me.. 7 years older..he is like a brother for me..he guide me a lot to change my self..every single things of my past he knew, and he is being able to accept me. he said, Allah itu maha Pemgampun, dan orang yang mahu bertaubat, adalah disayangi disisi Allah..

he said to me.. lets stay be friends, because we know we have feeling for each other..but let just be friend.. he said that there is no need to be rush in love... may be im so in rush in love previously... i know he is very sincere.. i can feel it..deep down..i can feel it...

zafran.. xpandai nak pujuk...but he so damn cute bile dia resah je when i was merajuk...tapi dia mg sangat tegas.. believe it or not, i finally found a guy yg x smoking..haha...he being so nice..

zafran... xpandai nak luah apa dia rasa...one day, he open my purse and saw my ex picture that i still kept..then he ask me to go karaoke with him.. and guess what, he sang "yank" song from wali band, just to express his feeling... haha..

he always said to me...jgn ckp dia ada org lain..dia x suka...and dia cakap, setiap apa yg kita cakap tu doa...i believe in it..previously, i alwyas said that lets break up, although i dont have any intention towards its, but in the end, we broke up.. so instead of thinking negatively, i always said to him " jgn dok meqela ngan org lain.. sayang kami ja"...hehehe

he always aid that, im a fierce...or 'chengei'.. haha..he makes me laugh a lot...we eat a lot too... he always said to me, what if my mum letak hantaran tinggi? haha
then when i eat a lot when i was with him, he said that "mak kena bagi murah la...anak dia ni kuat makan"..

he love kedah football club so much..he loves drift..and what ever yg ada kena mengena dgn cars.. he even renovated his old car jadi drift car...bawak keta, xyah ckp la...

erm...the bad thing about him is that, dia sangat segan to meet my friends, as he views himself as an eldery to us..he hates when his friends said, im his younger sister... i dont think my friend kesah pon dia tua..they are dyng to know him lg...haha...

rite now..i miss him...its been almost a week i didnt see him.. :( whenever i said that i miss him, he will immediately come..u c, even he is working, he is willingly come from putrajaya to shah alam...haha.. :)

he always said to me, blaja rajin-rajin..dia tunggu sampai habis belajar.. and i ve been praying to Allah, if he is the one then, let my heart and his heart united one day with our lafaz nikah...insyaAllah..

going to talk a lot bout him...get to go..ada ayam yang nak kena masak rendang jap lg...

btw, i miss gemuk so much... :P

Sunday, September 5, 2010

InshaALLAH

after the heart broken of mine, im not as the way i used to be, i dont know what way to choose, all my decision are wrongly made...but then there is a book, a book that guide me to seek Allah... im at peace now and then as i know, Allah knows the best... as i fall, i remember the Quranic verse that "no pain will last, and no happiness will stay"... that made me being so thankful of my life more...of all the people who still with me.. and being there for me... i would like to say that i love them... this song of maher zain, make me realize that only Allah can help us to show the way, and i hope this is the way Allah try to show to me... InshaALLAH...

Everytime you feel like you cannot go on
You feel so lost
That your so alone
All you see is night
And darkness all around
You feel so helpless
You can’t see which way to go
Don’t despair and never loose hope
Cause Allah is always by your side

Insha Allah x3
Insya Allah you’ll find your way

Everytime you commit one more mistake
You feel you can’t repent
And that its way too late
Your’re so confused, wrong decisions you have made
Haunt your mind and your heart is full of shame


Don’t despair and never loose hope
Cause Allah is always by your side
Insha Allah x3
Insya Allah you’ll find your way
Insha Allah x3
Insya Allah you’ll find your way

Turn to Allah
He’s never far away
Put your trust in Him
Raise your hands and pray
OOO Ya Allah
Guide my steps don’t let me go astray
You’re the only one that showed me the way,
Showed me the way x2
Insha Allah x3
Insya Allah we’ll find the way

this song, make me realize, there is always a chance to change...im changing for the better, although i might not be so perfect, but now I AM WHAT I AM... I AM MYSELF

time flew so fast

it almost the end of ramadhan..the holy month will just leave us in few more days...im sad...as i dont know if i am able to see ramadhan again... its being a long time im not writing....my friends, afiqah told me, she want to follow my blog, haha....before this, there is nobody following my blog... or its me, who didnt share the link? i dont know...

hurm..lots of things ive done in past and recently..n ive been thinking not just to keep it to myself...and just share it..im happy with this holy month.. Allah send me happiness that im seeking, and im glad to found zafran... im glad, and im so thankful as he bring me the happiness....

before this i thought, i will never fall in love...because it is too pain...but..i ask Allah to show me, if there a guy out there, who can really accept my past, and willingly to love and make me as a wife of his, then show him to me... then, here is zafran....

i thank Allah...and praise for this happiness..as i know, as a human being i can only planned, only Allah knows what will happened in the future... im praying hard that this happiness of mine will last long...

Monday, July 26, 2010

SESUNGGUHNYA KEMUDAHAN ITU DATANG SESUDAH KESULITAN

13 syaaban 1431
17.32 p.m

Firman Allah S.W.T dalam surah Al-Insyirah ayat 5-6 “ Sesungguhnya sesudah kesulitan itu pasti ada kesenangan. Sesudah kesulitan itu pasti ada kesenangan.” Aku yakin, segala kesulitan, kepayahan dan kesedihan ini, pasti satu hari nanti akan Allah gantikan dengan kebahagiaan yang aku cari.
Oleh kerana itu aku tidak mahu lagi bersedih. Air mata ini hanya ku alirkan dalam setiap doa-doa ku pada yang Esa. Kini aku sedar, aku tidak lagi bersendirian, Bukankah Allah itu Maha Mendengar lagi Maha Memahami. Aku yakin Dia mendengarkan isi hati yang ingin kembali sujud dan menghambakan sepenuh hati ini pada Dia.
Kadang kala aku putus asa akan doa-doaku. Namun aku mengetahui pertolongan yang Maha Esa itu sangat hampir dengan diriku. Jadi untuk apa aku harus meminta-minta pada manusia, sedangkan dia juga milik Allah. Allah Maha Penyayang kepada hamba-hambaNya. Bukankah sebagai hamba aku harus bersabar dan yakin. Kerana itulah kunci kepada kebahagiaan ku. Allah pasti akan makbulkan doaku. Insyaallah. Sebagai hamba aku tidak seharusnya berputus asa dengan doaku itu.
Aku berharap disebalik kesulitan ini, Allah akan kurniakan aku kebahagiaan itu. Pasti…janji Allah itu pasti. Aku redha dengan ketentuan Allah. Aku redha.Sesungguhnya aku milik Yang Maha Esa itu. Aku tiada daya dan tiada upaya tanpa pertolongan daripadanya. Dengan kesedihan ini aku menemui diriku makin rapat dengan Penciptaku. Malah tatkala aku bersedih, aku makin kerap bersujud kepadaNYa. Kerana hanya dengan mengingati dia, maka tenanglah hati yang sebelumnya berkecamuk.
Aku temukan satu kebaikkan disebalik jerih payah yang aku terpaksa hadapi, iaitu mendekati Allah S.W.T. mungkin sebelum ini aku jauh dariNya. Aku hanya memikirkan kebahagiaan duniawi. Tapi ternyata kebahgiaan yang aku cari itu mati ditengah jalan. Allah memberi peringatan kepada hambaNya dalam berbagai bentuk.
Hatiku diruntun pilu mengenangkan segala dosa yang telah aku lakukan. Aku merasa begitu sedih dan pedih, mengenangkan dosa silamku. Begitu hinanya diriku ini disisi Dia Yang Maha Suci lagi Maha Mulia. Ku pohon keampunan daripada Nya. Menyesali sikapku yang melupakan Dia diwaktu kesenangan ku. Kerana saat dan waktu aku bersedih ini Dia, tidak pernah melupakan ku.
Aku memohon keampunan atas setiap dosaku. Mengharapkan Yang Esa itu selamatkan aku dari siksanya Azab kubur itu. Aku mohon agar Allah S.W.T akan selamatkan aku dari siksanya azab api neraka yang panas. Aku sedar aku tidak layak untuk ,melangkah walaupun seinci ke syurga Allah, namun aku tidak pula sanggup sama sekali untuk menghampiri neraka jahanam itu.
Ku pohon ampunan Mu ya Allah. Semoga Allah mudahkan bagiku untuk berubah. Untuk mengenali diriNya. Untuk terus taat akan perintahNya. Semoga petunjuk Allah ini akan membawa ku kejalan kebenaran dan ke jalan kebahagiaan yang aku cari selama ini. Maha Suci Allah yang didalam genggamaNya lah aku berlindung dari sebarang kejahatan.
Ya Allah, jika ini jalan yang engkau redhai maka bawalah aku, pimpinlah aku, ingatkan lah aku DUNIA itu hanya persinggahan ku. Janganlah Kau pesongkan hati ku ini Ya Allah. Kuatkanlah IMAN ku.. ampunkan aku atas segala dosa ku. Maha Suci Allah yang Maha Pengampun, Maha Penyayang, dan Maha Pemurah.

Thanks to Allah

13 syaaban 1431
14.39 p.m

Syukur Alhamdulillah atas segala nikmat yang Allah S.W.T kurniaakan, aku kini lebih kuat. Kuat dalam menerima qada’ dan qadar Allah. Sudah lama rasanya tidak mencoret luahan hati ini dan berkongsi. Kali ini akan ku tulis semuanya sebelum aku publish dalam blog.
Beberapa bulan ini berbagai masalah yang aku tempuhi. Allah duga dengan hilangnya sebuah cinta yang sangat aku hargai dalam hidup aku. Lantas kerana itu aku bersedih dan tidak dapat menerima realiti. Semua keputusaan aku menemui kebuntuaan. Makin aku yakin akan sesuatu, makin hilang segalanya dari aku.
Dan aku terus bersedih, mempersoalkan akan nasib diriku. Kesedihan mengheret aku ke dunia yang sangat gelap. Dunia yang hanya ada kesakitan, kepedihan, kesedihan. Dunia yang meruntun jiwa aku. Mempersalahkan setiap tindak tandukku. Mempersalahkan dia kerana meninggalkan aku.
Tetapi, Alhamdulillah, Allah buka pintu hati ini untuk mencari punca semua ini terjadi. Semuanya bermula apabila tergerak hati ini membaca buku penulisan Dr. ‘Aidh bin Abdullah Al-Qarni. Jangan bersedih, jadilah wanita yang paling bahagia. Sepanjang aku membaca buku itu aku sedar, bahagia yang aku cari itu adalah dengan mencintai Allah. Membaca kisah-kisah para nabi dan Rasul yang lebih besar dugaannya dari apa yang Allah dugakan kepadaku, menyebabkan aku sedar, cinta dunia hanya sementara.
Harapan ku, moga pintu Syaaban ini akan member makna dan jalan kepada perubahan diriku. Aku ingin lebih dekat dengan Allah. Aku mencari Allah dalam hidupku. Aku ingin bahagia. Ku menanti kedatangan Ramadhan itu. Menanti dengan penuh kesabaran dan tawaduk. Aku ingin menjaga kehormatan diriku. Aku adalah aku.
Semoga pintu syaaban in menjadi titik permulaan, dan semoga ramadhan lebih manis bagi hidupku. Syukurku kepada Allah atas segala nikmat ini….

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

it has been a while

things happen too fast like i cannot do anything but watch myself caught in the middle...bieng cheated, left alone hurt....committed sins....and not being loved by the person who used to love you much....is hurt.....but i try...try to fix every single thing.coz i don want to be a loser........im not a loser. i hate him... he lie again n again..he hurt me so damn badly... i have no tears to cry...and yes.. it is all my fault...but one day....i want to see him and meet him...juz the 2 of us....i want let him know how much i hate him.....for ruining my life....for not loving me like i do...for betraying me......for let me go through this pain alone....i promise i will never cry..but im not strong to do that.....n yes i hate you..i hate you for screw my life...u give me hope n u take it away....if u read this...i hate you...damn it...i hate you.....

Sunday, March 21, 2010

unfair....

first you get the hopes after you being left hanging by a thread...
after you try so hard to catch it,
now it slip away...
just because don't want to get hurt... he hurt me more..
that is not fair....
why...why...why..
why all my prayer and wish are not coming true???
i hate this feeling..
it creeping inside me... and painful...
hurt... i am so damn hurt....
if only i can change the situation

Sunday, March 14, 2010

fun time....no more pain..no more hurt...no more crying



hapa hapa ntah masa nih...but really enjoy it.....tak sangka dancing was great.. i kind of love it now...
DRAMA??? tak sangka lak boleh ada passion lastly....yes..very interesting..we won't know until you yourself try it... well this is just a part of our first training... masih ada lagi 1 kali training...anyway the training was held by AD Park Avenue USJ...what a great place.. i thought he is must be a rich guy to have own a place there..
in front of out stuio ada kolam renang, then ada playground... beside the studio is the gym..and belakand studio ada surau...x explore much lagipun...thot to do so this coming saturday..hehehehehe..
well i'll be uploading our full version for the drama opening theater next week... hope you guys enjoy laughing when see this stupid dancing and what not...hahahahaha.... enjoy it ok???

Sunday, March 7, 2010

my own feeling that i have come to realize

I Never Needed You To Be Strong
I Never Needed You For Pointing Out My Wrongs
I Never Needed Pain, I Never Needed Strain
My Love For You Was Strong Enough You Should Have Known

I Never Needed You For Judgement
I Never Needed You To Question What I Spent
I Never Ask For Help, I Take Care Of Myself,
I Don't Know Why You Think You've Got A Hold On Me

And it's A Little Late For Conversations
There Isn't Anything For You To Say
And My Eye's Hurt, Hand's Shiver,
So Look At Me And Listen To Me Because

I don't Want Too, Stay Another Minute
I don't Want You, To Say A Single Word
Hush, Hush, Hush, Hush
There Is No Other Way, I Get The Final Say Because,
I don't Want Too, Do This Any Longer
I don't Want You, There's Nothing Left To Say
Hush, Hush, Hush, Hush
I've Already Spoken, Our Love Is Broken
Baby Hush, Hush

I Never Needed Your Corrections
On Everything From How I Act To What I Say
I Never Needed Words
I Never Needed Hurts
I Never Needed You To Be There Everyday

I'm Sorry For The Way I Let Go
From Everything I Wanted When You Came Along
But I'm Never Beaten, Broken not Defeated
I Know Next To You Is Not Where I Belong

And it's A Little Late For Explanations
There Isn't Anything That You Can Do
And My Eye's Hurt, Hand's Shiver,
So You Will Listen When I Say

I don't Want Too, Stay Another Minute
I don't Want You, To Say A Single Word
Hush, Hush, Hush, Hush
There Is No Other Way, I Get The Final Say Because,
I don't Want Too, Do This Any Longer
I don't Want You, There's Nothing Left To Say
Hush, Hush, Hush, Hush
I've Already Spoken, Our Love Is Broken
Baby Hush, Hush

No More Words, No More Lies, No More Crying
No More Pain, No More Hurt, No More Trying

Yeaaaaahh
Because
I don't Want Too, Stay Another Minute
I don't Want You, To Say A Single Word
Hush, Hush, Hush, Hush
There Is No Other Way, I Get The Final Say Because,
I don't Want Too, Do This Any Longer
I don't Want You, There's Nothing Left To Say
Hush, Hush, Hush, Hush
I've Already Spoken, Our Love Is Broken
Baby Hush, Hush

Yeaaaaah (Hush, Hush, Hush, Hush)

I've Already Spoken, Our Love Is Broken
Baby

Sunday, February 28, 2010

what would you do if .....................



if you know your day is just around the corner and you will be finally return to God??? what whould you do if you dont have much time to tell the person you love that you love him and never want him to hurt you??? what would you do if you keep on hurting but your time is just passed by and you run out of it??? what would you do when just you and yourself know the exact situation and the possibility outcome????what would you do if you are in the situation?
ME???
if the only time i have is running out, i would like to seek forgiveness from ALLAH for all my sins, seek forgiveness from both of my parents, seek forgiveness from my siblings and family, seek forgiveness from my friends, and from him, for all sins and mistakes i've made.
WHAT WOULD I DO???
i pray hard for the happiness of my beloved ones, as i can't be there to cherish them. i pray hard for my own happiness for the little moment i have.although it is hurting me so damn badly.
WHAT WOULD I DO.....
i will give all my love as long as i can...i will love all my beloved ones with all my heart..i would like to give them as much love because i don't want them to forget me. and i want them to feel my love...
WHAT WOULD I WANT????
i just want people that i love happy and never cry or sad because of me....i would want to feel the love from everyone...although i might get hurt of getting his love..but thats what i want if the day is just around the corner.
WHAT I WANT......
i want to feel the happiness and to embrace all the precious moment of my life.
to wipe all the tears and to be able to achieve what i want before the day comes to me.. to be able to let him know how much is this love for him.and not to regret my mistakes...as long as i can be together with him, i think there is nothing to be regret about.
WHAT WOULD I WISH?????
i wish for God to extend the time longer, i wish that people surrounding me realise the painful side of my bright smile, i wish people realise my love towards them, i wish people would forgive my mistakes and give another chance to love me, and i wish for the happiness...yes the happines...
WHAT WOULD I DO IF THE TIME IS JUST AROUND THE CORNER???
i will seek for my happiness before i regret it..
i will seek for the love...

Sunday, February 21, 2010

It is Okay

it is okay actually to feel down sometimes
it is okay actually to feel sad
it is okay to cry
it is okay to give up...
it is just fine....
because as human being,we cannot escape all of this kind of feelings. we cannot run from going through hard time.
so it is just okay....orang yang tak ada masalah dalam dunia nih mungkin orang gila je kot..
or babies and kanak2.. but they also have problems right???
so, memang semua insan dlm dunia tak akan lari dari masalah....sebab tu kalau kita kadang2 give up sbb apa yang kita usahakan tak membuahkan hasil, memang kita akan rasa sedih...tak kan nak happy pulak right??? insane lah kot dah usaha something sampai nak mati suddenly tak gain anything pun then, happy gila pulak...hahahaha.
tapi kita kena sedar, derita hari ini, mesti ada bahagia hari esok.....Insyaallah.. Allah Maha Mengasihani lagi Maha Penyayang...jadi percayalah... THERE WILL BE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL...
get someone to share your feeling and thought..because you will be at relief after that...because if you just keep it inside, one day you will be putting too much pressure inside which will lead you to collapse....and never get better. or wrote everything you feel inside in a diary... it helps a lot to reduce the sadness...next, doa...Sebab you will never be alone. ALLAH is always there for you...luahkanlah dalam doa.. Trust me... you eill be at ease and at peace...
so it is okay to cry when you sad...scream out loud...let the pain go... its hard i know...but just let it go...Pray a lot.....Doalah...tawakal dan usaha....yang penting JANGAN PERNAH BERHENTI MENCUBA. carilah jawapan kenapa masalah itu membelenggu diri kita.....kalau derita itu akan bawa bahagia, it is okay to choose DERITA....

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Why????

kenapa kadang2 bila kita dah cuba, tapi hasilnya tetap sama????bukan tak nak usaha lebih, tapi bila kita tak dapat something yang kita nak...rasa give up kan??? perlukah aku give up....kenapa susah dia nak sedar?????apa itu PENGORBANAN?????aku kah yang salah????sudahlah...aku dah give up...tak nak try lagi dah

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

LA TAHZAN

the meaning is 'Don't Be sad'.The book that i've bought for RM 10 but actually its teach me a lot about how Allah gives hopes to us. That is why LA TAHZAN. 'Dont Be Sad' as Allah always be there for you. Of course we are sad when we've got problem, or when we lost things that we wished not to be lost for the rest of our life... but that is the reality.... semua yang kita peroleh dalam dunia hanyalah pinjaman dari Allah. Macam lagu 21 guns by greenday, nothings ever bulit to last rite????? actually im in a kind of very pathethic and sad life......haha...and yes i am sad....but what to be sad about???? LA TAHZAN. 'Don't Be Sad'. Allah tak menguji hambanya yang tak boleh melalui musibah yang diberikan.... Always remember that musibah or difficulties that we face today is because God loves us.... untuk menguji keiimanan kita sebagai muslims. So what to be sad about???? kita seringkali lupa, kadang-kadang leka....that is one of the reasons knp musibah melanda kita even though kita tak minta.. sebab lumrah manusia nih mudah lupa.....how to overcome our sadness???? easy... bersyukur dengan apa yang kita, berdoa, dan as simple as mengucapkan "Innalillahhiwainnalillahirojiun...". Insyaallah.... musibah kita akan diringankan.... apa yang kita lalui sekarang mungkin tak sebesar masalah orang lain... jadi bersyukarlah....bersyukurlah dengan apa yang kita dan apa yang masih kita miliki... percayalah dan yakinlah dengan ALLAH....even at one time you just give up and down, and feel there is no hope, just believe that there will always hopes for you to count on it and to believe in it... you wil never regret it. hanya orang yang tak nak beri peluang dalam hidup dia saja yang akan kelak menyesal. Apa yang kita harus lakukan ialah, carilah peluang itu.... hopes is everywhere....even we are sad to death...beleive that there is alwyas happiness for us in future. Insyaallah....

Sunday, February 7, 2010

I'm a brand new

today, I'll be thinking of what am i supposed to improve for tomorrow. Not thinking about the yesterday because yesterday is past. Past means already happened. so whats to think about the past?? we can just improving ourselves day by day. past is history... history should be the guidance for ourselves to keep getting better and to have improvement. history is crucial of course... because we learned from history. from the mistakes especially. mistakes can be repeated but we can prevent it. whats the matter is future. I've tried harder every single day to be a brand new. to forget all those things that happened before today. because i want to make sure that this improvements that I've made will benefits me in the future. will changing people perceptions towards me... most importantly to change the way Mr.X thinks about me. I'm used to be pampered by those people surrounding me. that makes me like a super bitchy when i always wanted people to follow my order. But i always keep forgetting that's not all what we want we can get. Quotation from Mr. X actually. he taught me how to be independent. learning is hard... Experiences is the best teacher actually. When you'll get new things to learn from your experience, its actually a wonderful thing. and people always get to their senses when they lost something precious but they don't even being thankful when the precious thing is in front of their own eyes. it is sad to lost something that is very precious in our lives. but everybody deserve a second chance. yes. they will always chances for you to keep on trying. that makes me never giving up of trying. What the fuck to give up so easily.. keep on trying. That the best thing... who told me??? Mr. X told me so....so i am no longer the super bitchy who always set her mind that she can't do things or going through the hard times alone... because I'll never be alone or being alone.... Allah is always there for me. Am i right???? the best listener for me... I'm not sooo gooooood in religious, but it doesn't mean that I'm not practicing it... I'm proud of being a Muslims. And i am so thankful to be born in Islam. Because Islam taught the believers not to give up easily. There is always help from Allah. I believe in Allah.. With all my heart. And i Believe with HIS helps. And I believe that one day all my doa and hopes and wish will come true, as long as i never giving up and keep trying and praying. INSYAALLAH, I'm going to be a brand new :)